‘Women are an open book but most men are illiterate’… whilst funny, perhaps there is some truth to this! Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus….. again, implying that we are on very different pages when it comes to talking to each other.
Communication is one of the top reasons I have found couples have come for help, and actually I believe is one of the primary reasons any relationship starts to fail, because it is often a lack of communication that leads to some of the secondary problems, such as an affair that ultimately end a relationship.
Lack of communication can leave one person in a relationship feeling alone and misunderstood. It can leave one of them wondering what the other person is thinking, since they never actually express that (this is typically the male keeping quiet). It can lead to arguments that escalate into verbal (and sometimes physical) war, leave a bad taste in one or both parties mouths, and generally do nothing to build the fondness and respect that probably once brought you together in the first place.
Communication is not difficult, but we all have a natural way we communicate, and we often struggle to understand why anyone else would communicate differently. That will be a result of our energy, our upbringing, our values and beliefs and our view on the world. There is no right and wrong when it comes to certain types of communication, but there is a necessity to appreciate your way is not the only way!
Communication has also become so much harder since it has become so digitalised. Text messages – what can be misunderstood will be misunderstood. A text message has no meaning, no tone, and yet a singular mistake or a mis-used exclamation mark, or lack of a ‘x’ can create a whole meaning in the other person’s head and lead to a reaction completely out of context.
There are some key communication styles which, once we understand and recognise, help us to work within the boundaries of our relationship, knowing how each other like to communicate.
‘Would you like to pull over and get a coffee’ might not mean that.. but who knew! Once you understand communication, you will understand why.
‘Can you put the bins out’ sounds like a simple request but to the other person may sound like something very different. Once you understand communication you will understand why.
Within communication, comes expectation and agreement, which can nip a huge percentage of arguments in the bud long before they would normally start. It can also avoid draining the trust jar, and if you don’t know what I am talking about please see my article on that!
Let’s be honest, arguments will happen. NO one is going to agree with each other ALL of the time. What is important is the way in which we look to resolve these disagreements. Couples that stay together find ways to do it in a healthy manner, and have effective methods of recovering from discussions that can be tricky and sometimes heated.
Couples tend to do a ‘dance’ every time they communicate. The more they do this dance, the better they get at it and the harder it is to break it.
Relationship coaching helps couples to identify what their dance is, and find new empowering ways to learn some new dance steps! If a disagreement can be resolved with both parties feeling at peace, feeling heard and understood and with no adverse effect on the level of respect and admiration towards each other, it’s a win all day long. Learning the new dance, as with anything, can be tricky at first, but the coach will work with the couple to help this become the new pattern in a natural and easy way.
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