If I could teach men one thing it would be this!!!
‘Seek first to understand and then be understood’ is one of the seven habits of highly effective people according to Stephen Covey is his best selling book. And to be an effective partner in a relationship requires this exact skill. Knowing it and practising it are two different things though.
When we start a relationship, it is often the opposite that attracts us. If someone was just like us, we probably wouldn’t to hang with them… we do that enough with ourselves! So we seek qualities in someone that compliments us.
The challenge with this, is that, since we are all individual and unique, we all have a slightly different view on the world. Whilst we all live in the same world, we all view it through our own unique lens.
When we go to an optician, the lenses they prescribe for us will be tailored to exactly our own needs.. to enable us to see clearly. In life, our own lens determines how we see the world, what we focus on, what we miss, the meaning we make from things and so the list goes on.
In a relationship, there are several layers of understanding that need to be developed. At the surface, we need to simply understand that our partner is different and has a different lens. Below that, we would want to understand what that lens is like for them, how they see the world, and why they do the things they do. And at the core, is empathy, the ability to not just understand them but to actually understand and FEEL them. It is often only when we develop this that our partner feels understood and heard, or, as some of those I work with would describe it as, feels ‘seen’.
To many of us, these skills didn’t come as standard equipment, and they must be developed and honed. In relationship coaching, we work to get a thorough understanding of not just ourselves but also of our partner, and we learn to start to see the world through their own lens, and in doing so, to start feeling what they feel.
So next time your partner does something, or says something that is so far away from your own thought pattern, remember that they see things differently, and see to understand them long before you even begin to try and have your view understood. ‘That makes sense to me because….’ Will become a game changer of a phrase when you are discussing hot topics that could escalate into a full blown conflict.
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