Affairs happen, and depending on the research, they happen in somewhere between 15 – 50% of relationships. Some are physical, some are emotional, but they all have some common threads, those being someone else outside of the relationship is involved, when discovered the person being cheated on feels intense betrayal and hurt (and probably anger!) and they can often be explained in a relatively simple way.
There are other statements we could make that would run true too. Very, very few people get into a relationship with the intention of having any form of affair. In fact, most people who have affairs would say they never imagined they would do it. Most people who have affairs are good people, and not highly immoral, heartless whotsits, although this is often how they are portrayed by others once it all comes out, and how they often see themselves once the guilt sets in.
So, if most people don’t think they will ever have an affair, and doing so creates such an apparent distortion between who someone might believe they are and who they then think they are, why on earth are they so freakin common place in today’s society?
I’ve spoken to a number of couples in my work, where an affair has happened, and none of them have yet surprised me as to how it happened. In fact, most of the time, by speaking to either one of the individuals, and asking a few key questions, I could probably explain to them why it happened before they actually told me. And maybe I am even more aware of why it happened than they are!
So what have I learnt, what do I know and how can you use that to make your own relationship a little more affair proof than it might be right now.
Let’s start with lust, physical attraction, whatever we might want to label it. This is probably one of the least likely reasons an affair is going to happen. The exception might be because we are dealing with immature adults, who are still governed purely by lust and a desire to chase after anything they like the look of. Overall however, this is unlikely to be the primary driver of an affair. We will always find others attractive, let’s not pretend that’s not the case. What we do with that attraction separates the mature from the immature.
To understand an affair we have to understand some basic principles behind relationships, and humans. We all have needs that we look to get met. How we meet those needs and how important each need is to us as individuals varies, according to our sexual energy (whether we are more masculine or feminine), our beliefs and values and our upbringing. In other words, we have, over the years, allowed a number of factors to create software in our brains which then means we have certain needs that we MUST get met if we are to feel happy and fulfilled.
Now, when we get into a relationship what happens. One of two things. Maybe neither of us do anything that meets our important needs, and that relationship is unlikely to get past the early stages, which are driven by lust and passion but not sustained by a longer term model.
Or, perhaps, and more commonly for relationships that have legs, both of us make a big effort to do lots of nice and thoughtful things for each other, to be there for each other, to make each other feel important, and attractive. We shows lots of affection towards each other, and bucket loads of respect, and we have a physical relationship, and ALL of this happens regardless of the stresses we are under, the time we have or how we are feeling on the day.
In meeting each others needs, we start to develop these deep intense feelings, that make us think this person is the right person for us to be with because we love how they make us feel, so we commit to a relationship.
Now fast forward a while, the length of time varying for any couple, and any individual. What has happened. Firstly, we’ve probably got comfortable with each other and revealed our true selves. Secondly, we’ve probably figured that since we are now all settled, when we are having a bad day or are stressed, it’s ok to not be the best version of ourselves with our partner. After all, they love us, so surely they accept us for who we are and how we are feeling at the time, far more than a customer or our boss might if we were to display the same stress to them. Let’s throw in some financial worries because we are trying to do more as a couple, oh, and maybe some children who seem to take all of our time and energy, and perhaps a more stressful job. And finally, to put some icing on the cake, we’ve realised that the things we found cute and endearing about our partner in the early days, because they were so different from how we think or do things, are actually really annoying because they are still doing them and we were sure they’d change!
And now my friends we have a perfect storm, an affair waiting to happen that only needs one more ingredient. Another person. Someone who comes into one of our lives and starts to do what our partner did in the beginning.. met our needs. For a man, perhaps a woman starts to show us admiration, respect and make us feel important and a bit of a hero. For a woman, perhaps a man is able to sit and listen, and really listen, and show empathy, and not lose their temper about silly little things. And as they do these things, we start to develop thoughts and feelings, because our software is once again triggered, just like it was when we started to date our partner. If we don’t nip these thoughts and feelings in the bud, it grows into an affair, probably emotional to begin with and then physical. And then, Houston, we have a problem.
‘If you do what you did at the beginning of a relationship there will never be an end’.. wise words from one of my teachers and mentors. It is based on this principle. At the beginning, you did what you could to meet your partners needs, and they did that for you. Over time, and with life getting in the way… you stopped, they stopped and there was some dirty great gap waiting to be filled.
So, now we know that, we can firstly, perhaps, stop demonising ourselves or others who have affairs. I am not saying it’s justified, but, it is understandable, because we are wired to get our needs met, and move towards things or people that meet our needs. We are also ignorant of this fact so we don’t even realise what we are doing… and occasionally we are weak and go with things even when we know it’s wrong!
Secondly, we can start to take some actions to make our marriage affair proof. We can learn what our partner needs, and them learn what we need. We can focus our energies on these needs. We can learn to communicate better, to have more openness and honesty, and to work as a team.
Sounds like a lot of work? Maybe it is. Depends where you are at. The tools to do these things are relatively simple, you just never got to learn them. That’s where a Relationship Coach can help. Through a process of learning about yourself, your partner and some key tools, you can start to transform your relationship and protect yourself and your partner from the pain, the guilt, the turmoil of an affair. If that’s worth looking into more, then why not get in touch for a free initial consultation to learn more about how I can help.
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