One of the first things I work with when I start with a new couple, helping their relationship, is for them to understand some basic principles of relationships, and more importantly, principles that can lead to a great and fulfilling relationship.
These principles can be challenging, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, because as humans, wired from birth to behave in a certain way, and with wiring so entrenched in our subconscious, we are not even aware of it, making a change to how we do something is hard. Secondly, because when we learn these principles we also learn that, the likelihood is, we are being a little ‘lazy’ in our relationship and relationships certainly do not thrive when laziness is involved!
One of these principles, is about the level that we show up at within a relationship. The truth is, how we show up, and the effort we put into a relationship, and the mindset that we have about a relationship will be a huge determining factor as to how the relationship goes.
Another truth is that in all likelihood, we do not show up in a long term relationship in the same way we did at the beginning, and then we wonder why things don’t ‘feel’ the way they did in the good old days of when we first started dating!
So let’s look deeper at one aspect of how we show up… and that is the level of relationship that we ‘play’ at.
There are 3 different levels that people generally show up at within a relationship. My question for you, once you have read this article, is which level are you at…!?
The first level, we will describe as a selfish level, in other words ‘it’s all about me’. You’ll see babies and young children respond in this way… when they are getting what they want, all is good, and when they don’t get what they want, a tantrum of some form is incoming. Funny (or not so funny if you are in relationship with them!), is that some people are like big babies within a relationship. They are happy as anything when they are getting what they want, and then if that stops, you know about it! And so do their friends, and probably so does social media these days! Sound familiar to anyone? I hope not!
This relationship could be in trouble, with one of both parties being focused on getting their own needs met, and no focus on the other person. There may be manipulation at play, there may be a deep lack of trust, and there is likely a withholding of love, because we are not sure what we are going to get in return for it… in other words, why should I give when I am not getting.
And that leads us nicely onto the next level, level 2. This level is best described as the 50/50 level. And to that, most of you might be thinking, isn’t that the best place to be? It’s what we are always taught is fair isn’t it… the 50/50 principle. Maybe in certain negotiations it is but in relationships, if you are only giving 50%, what the hell are you doing with the other 50?!?!
Level 2 is a bit of horseplay… I will if you will. Sounds great. Sounds fair. Sounds like a disaster! If we look at reality, there is always going to be a time when one person is in a better position to give than the other. Their physical and mental state, their circumstances and other such factors mean that in a moment they can give, and maybe outgive us. If we play by the 50/50 rule, then the minute that person feels they are giving more and not receiving as much, they pull back, effectively moving towards a level 1 state. The other person then feels the withdrawal and responds in the same way, also moving into a level 1 state.
So level 2 can work, if both partners are always in the same state, have an equality in all aspect of life and are always feeling great. That never happens, and that’s why level 2 relationships often slip to level 1, lack any real trust, communication and sexual intimacy and leave the door wide open for affairs and the end of a relationship.
Level 2 relationships are very much governed by feelings. Problem is our feelings change minute by minute, and we can’t run our relationships on how we feel at any time. We manage to put how we are feeling to one side much better in situations such as work, so why do we not give our relationship the same level of respect?
Finally, we have level 3. The best level. Also, not surprisingly, the hardest level! We are all capable of being at level 3, but maintaining level 3 takes a great deal of effort, conscious effort that is, and many of us didn’t realise that’s what’s needed when we get into a relationship! Unfortunately, even when we become aware, some are not willing to put in the effort either.
So level 3, is all about appreciating that your role in the relationship is to meet the needs of your partner, and you are there to give and not to get. Hmmm.. that’s got some of you thinking, hang on, why should I give, give, give and get nothing back. Why should I ignore my own needs and wants and just be a slave to my partner. Good questions, and the simple answer is that if your partner refused to meet you at this level, then over time your relationship will either become an at best friendship where you are both playing at level 1 and getting what you can, or it will end.
The idea is that you BOTH strive to play at level 3, going all out to meet each other’s needs, to outdo each other, to outgive each other. At times, either of you might slip down to level 2 because life gets in the way, and the other appreciates this is a blip and not a new pattern, and keeps on meeting your needs, to help raise you back up to a place where you can resume your own gametime at level 3.
Sounds simple? Nope. Doable. Yes.
Now, in practical terms, the bit we haven’t discussed is HOW you meet each other’s needs. Well, that’s where a Relationship Coach comes in. Without a professional guiding you, you might think you are meeting your partners needs and actually be way off the mark. I see it all the time. People saying ‘I give them everything, I do everything and they are still not happy’ and of course if I spoke to the other person, and asked what’s missing, it’s normally something quite simple, but overlooked by person who is now exhausted and frustrated thinking what else can they do to make things right!
So, if a level 3 relationships sounds good, albeit hard work (most worthwhile things are hard work!), why not get in touch and we can discuss how I can help you understand what has to happen, and what has stopped you playing at this level so far.
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