Some of us think trust is down to whether we have cheated or not. And even in that, we have different rules for the game. For some of us, we have to have had a physical encounter with someone to consider it a trust breaker. For others, it’s messaging someone of the opposite sex. For some, its talking to a colleague at work about our relationship struggles, and for others, its online chat forums.
What few of us realise, is trust is actually the day to day, knowing we can rely on the other person. Knowing they will do what they say they will do, when they say they will do it.
It’s being consistent with who we are, and what we do. And every time we are, it is like adding a trust coin into the trust savings bank. Over time, the savings bank gets fuller and fuller, and your partner feels safer and safer in being able to trust you. Now for some, who have had trust issues in the past, this process may take a while and their bank may be so big it feels like it takes forever to fill it. What’s important to know is that you can fill it, and you can do so on a daily basis.
What is also important to know is that trust can be broken in a heartbeat. As slowly as it is built up, it is gone in seconds. How? By doing something that is considered by the other person to be a deal breaker, a trust destroyer. We all have our own idea as to what that is. To be honest, it doesn’t matter what your idea is, what matters is what their idea is. If you step over the line, violate their rules for trust, then it is like tipping the trust jar upside down, and watching all that effort pour in in an unstoppable flow. And now you are empty, and not just that, but the likelihood is that the jar just got bigger!
In relationship coaching, we work to understand each other’s rules for trust, and look at individual and specific ways each person can start to slowly add trust coins back into the jar, to get it back to full and even overflowing once again.
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