What makes a relationship succeed
If you read / listened to or watched my recent article on why relationships fail, I am simply going to flip most of that on it’s head to consider what makes a relationship succeed. In fact, this is a short, snappy and to the point one because it’s actually quite simple!
Let’s start with an assumption that there is no serious trauma / mental health issues or addictions in this relationship. For the record, part of the work I do does cover why we can so easily become addicted so certain behaviours (i.e. eating, gambling and porn) and I can work with that, but if drugs are involved I would advise separate therapy.
Let’s also assume you haven’t had a radical shift of values and beliefs. If you are not sure, we can do a session where we figure these out and look at how aligned you are with your partner. Might be insightful!
So that leaves us really with laziness, complacency and ignorance. Now it gets simple. It starts with a belief, a belief that say you are in a relationship to GIVE to the other person, not for what you can get from them. Ooops. First controversial statement. Maybe, but also true. Why the **** would someone want to be in a relationship with you just to give to you, if they were not getting something themselves?! So turn that around, what can I give them… and in doing so, maybe, (and it is a maybe!) they will want to give to me. Interesting concept.
I’m pretty sure when you started dating you tried to out give each other, you were constantly thinking ‘what can I do to show them I care’ and then one day you suddenly got out the scales and measured how much they gave compared to you, decided it wasn’t fair or balanced so you pulled back. Bye bye relationship.
Here’s the bottom line to making a relationship succeed. Figure out exactly what your loved one needs, and spend your time and energy giving them what they need. Guess what happens if both of you do that.. you have a great relationship. Guess what happens if one of you does that… the other person feels totally used and drained and eventually gives up. Guess what happens if neither of you do that.. you go and find other ways to get what you need! Might be an affair, might be something else that takes you away from the relationship and ends up causing deeper and deeper withdrawal.
Sounds simple doesn’t it.. and it is, if we could just figure out what our partner needs. Of course that’s the hard bit, because likelihood is their needs and our needs are not the same, and as I have said many times over, we are not taught this stuff, so how do we begin?!
Generally, men have different needs from women, quite different in fact. Some women have different needs from other women, and some men have different needs from other men. That’s why when I work with a couple, much as I have frameworks and tools, we look at the specific two people in the room at the time to understand each other, figure out their specific needs and how they can be meet.. .and then we start to formulate a plan for making that a habit.
It’s a like a roadmap, an insight into the other person, rather than trying to guess, or feeling like you have tried everything and they are still not happy… more likely you haven’t quite got down to meeting their needs in the way they want them met. Sounds like hard work eh. It is, and I never hide that fact from anyone, relationships take work, because when you bring two people together they ae likely to be quite different and opposite in many ways, and not only do you have to learn these differences, but you then have to learn to do things which are not natural to you!
If you’d like to develop a roadmap for you and your partner, why not arrange a free initial consultation with me where we can discuss more what that might look like. The link is below. In the meantime, just answering this one question will make a difference for you both.. what is one thing you really wished I did or didn’t do that would make you happier…. And I will leave you brave people to debate whether or not you ask that!
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