Click bait title! This article has NOTHING to do with sex. Sorry 😊 Well, actually, as I write that, I realise it has a lot to do with sex, but not in the way you might have thought when you saw the title.
Typically, most couples don’t really give their relationship that much thought, other than to think ‘it’s going well’ at some times, and ‘it’s not going well’ at other times… and similar such things. What if we were to take a slightly more analytical approach, or even just to get a bit more of an idea about where our relationship is right now and more importantly, where would we like it go.
I often get the couples I work with to define their vision for their relationship, in other words, where do you want to go, what do you want your relationship to be like, to look like, to feel like. It’s the destination on Google maps, without which, Google maps would be useless in giving you direction.
So rather than us thinking, well I’d like a ‘good’ or a ‘nice’ relationship, let’s get a bit more clarity. Rather than thinking ‘my relationship’s rubbish’ let’s get clarity. What does clarity look like?
The training I have done in becoming a relationship specialist, has taught me that for couples in a relationship, there are 4 different positions that anyone might be in, and often, as I teach these to couples, we see that each person within a relationship might be at a different position, or believe they are, to the other person, and they would both suggest they move between the levels at differing times.
So what are these positions, if we are not talking sexual positions, and how do they relate to sex, if that’s the only reason you are still reading…
Let’s start at the best position, the one we might all aspire to, and hope to be at. This is where we have a magnificent relationship. There is love, passion, intimacy, playfulness and so the list goes on. It all feels so easy, so natural and you can’t imagine it ever being any different… and you certainly don’t want it to end. Sound familiar. Perhaps if you are in a new relationship this is familiar. If you have been in one for a while, unfortunately, this is often a distant memory, and the cynic in many of you might say ‘that never lasts, it’s not realistic’.
And so we head down the slide towards position number 2. Here we have couples where there is still love, but probably a lot less passion. The intimacy, the playfulness has gone, or started to go. From the outside, everyone comments on what a lovely couple you are, how much love you have for each other, but inside, behind those net curtains, you know it’s not how it used to be, and there are some gaps. You might go as far to say you feel more like housemates than lovers. Probably a common place for many couples to be when they’ve been together a while and the magic feels like it has left the building.
Drift further down the slide and we find ourselves at position number 3. Not only has the passion gone, but the love seems to be heading out of the door too. I label this position as ‘on the edge’ because the relationship may not being hanging in the balance and one of you might be on the edge of leaving. This is where a lot of my couples tend to be when they come to me for help.
You probably argue more than you did, spend less time with each other, trust each other less and perhaps one or both of you feel unloved by the other. You are probably looking outside of the relationship for fun, for your passions, to get your needs met. Hobbies, children, friends, work, all take priority because they leave you feeling so much better than the relationship.
If nothing is done at this point to turn it around this relationship is heading only one way and that is towards position number 4.
And that position is what I label as ‘I’m outta here’.
You may have an exit plan, you may have an exit date. Either way, you have lost hope that this can be anything different and are now planning how to leave this relationship. You are wondering if you just chose wrong, perhaps you have hope for a ‘better luck next time’ or perhaps you are thinking ‘never again!’. Whatever the reason and whatever your current timings, this position is not a good position to be in and emergency treatment is needed if there is any hope in saving this relationship. As the saying goes ‘if you keep doing what you’ve always done you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got’, so one thing you cannot do is just to keep going as you are and hope things will be different. They won’t.
The only way to move out of this position and back up towards 1 and 2, is to figure out what has gone wrong, learn what you don’t already know about yourself, your partner and how to do relationships better, and then DO IT.
It might be a relationship coach can help with this – they are trained to identify where the relationship is struggling and work with couples and individuals to make the changes necessary to start moving back up the slide. It’s not always easy going UP a slide, but it is doable for those willing to do the work.
Oh, and for those who still haven’t related the sex part to this, I think we can be pretty certain that the higher the position, the more and better sex you will be enjoying with your partner….!
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