If you know but you don’t do… you don’t know
I always remember this quote I heard in a sales training, not really realising it also applied to relationships.
Anytime we need to master a new concept or idea (and doing relationships well can be classed as that for many of us!) there are three steps we have to walk through.
The first step is the Cognitive Understanding. At this point, you have some level of intellectual understanding of what works and what doesn’t. Your understanding doesn’t go beyond that. Relate it to driving a car, and it is the understanding of how a car is driven, what works (i.e. you use the accelerator to go faster and the brake to slow down) and what doesn’t (i.e. don’t use the accelerator and the brake at the same time!). This is stage one. In relationship terms, you understand what you must do to create the relationship you want… i.e. you now KNOW.
The second step would be to develop Emotional Mastery. In this step, you make the decision to start making changes, you examine why this is important to you, and perhaps more importantly, what the consequences would be to you if you did not make these changes. You attach yourself to a reason for change, a reason to start DOING and not just KNOWING. Too many people are stuffed full of knowledge but not actually doing anything about it. In all walks of life, it is those that do that see results, not those that know. In relationship terms, this step might look like getting to a point where you know something has to change.. you, or the two of you, cannot keep going as you are, and if something doesn’t change, you are unlikely to stay together. So you do something to start making a change, whatever that might be.
The final step would then be the Physical Mastery, and this is where this change, this new behaviour becomes wired into your brain as a habit, a pattern. You repeat it over and over until you are conditioned to respond in a certain way, do certain things, that previously you were not doing. This step takes the commitment and consistency required for any change, but the results are always worth it.
Let’s take a very typical example. John is married to Sally, and over the years Sally has rarely had much affection and attention from John, because he never really realised how important it was to Sally. Sally becomes unhappy and maybe even tells John she wants out, or perhaps someone else is giving her this attention and Sally is contemplating an affair. John speaks to a Relationship Coach who gets him to understand what Sally needs and the gaps in what John is giving. Now John has some understanding about what he needs to do. The coach also works to re-enforce in John a commitment to taking action, because they examine what might happen if he does nothing and how that would impact him, Sally and their young children. Now John also has developed his reason, and is at step two.
Finally, encouraged by the Coach and held accountable, John makes a conscious effort to find opportunity to give affection and attention to Sally whenever he can, rapidly filling Sally’s love bank up. At first John has to check himself each day and leave reminders on his phone to do this, because this is not a habitual behaviour. Over time however, it becomes his new normal, he has re-written the software in his brain and now does it without thinking too much. The change in Sally is clear for all to see as she feels so much more seen by John and thrives, and in doing so, is more able emotionally to focus on giving to John what he might need.
The role of a Relationship Coach is to help couples and individuals to understand the WHAT, i.e. get the knowledge, get clear on the WHY, and then build new habits towards a great relationship. It’s not always easy, but no-one said it would be, and splitting up is not often easy either! If you would like to find out more about Relationship Coaching and how it could benefit you, book in a FREE initial consultation with me using the link on my website.
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