I love this question because, I guess, it hits me right between the eyes, or perhaps right where it hurts, because my first marriage, the one in which we had children, didn’t make it, and perhaps the answer to this question would have meant things had been different. Do I wish things were different.. well, I wish my children could have grown up with Mum and Dad happy together, could have avoided a 200 mile road trip every other weekend to spend time with their Dad, and above all I wish I could sit and know I did everything I could have done to save that marriage.
So, what would I have said to that 20 something version of me if he wasn’t so arrogant / stubborn that he thought he knew everything already…
The first message to young me would be one which if you read my articles you’d be familiar and perhaps even bored (which is good, means the message is getting through!).. relationships take work and don’t come easy. And I’d take it one step further and say just because some days it feels really hard, that’s not a good reason to end it! Any relationship will go through trials, tough times as well as good times, and depending on the stressors you might have (money, children etc) you may at times really struggle to experience the joy in the relationship, but that might just be a season, might be because one of you needs more than the other is giving in that moment, and it can all be sorted.
The second one is that when you have children (or there are already children from previous relationships), this will add to the complexities and the stress of your relationship… it certaintly won’t make it better as so many people seem to think will happen when they decide to have a child to heal their marriage (DOH!). Children are an amazing gift, who expose the parent’s differences in parenting style, values etc and all of this can cause challenges… not to mention that when 2 becomes 3, there is a different relational dynamic at play which often sees one parent feel a loss of importance within the relationship.
Third, you may be exposed to situations where you find yourself attracted to other people, or perhaps even feeling a connection with someone else and think this must be a sign that you are in the wrong relationship. Wrong again little me. The reality is that just because we are married, and no matter how happily married we are, there will always be members of the opposite sex who we find attractive. It’s nature. It’s the way we were designed. Marriage or serious relationship doesn’t shut down that side of our nature, it simply means we are NOT supposed to do anything about it! Speaking to men, it is quite natural for a beautiful woman to enter your space and for you to notice her beauty and to feel something because of it. What you then do determines if you are an immature man or a mature man. I’ll leave you to figure out the two paths that might look like.
Speaking to women, it is also quite natural for a man who exhibits the qualities you look for in a man to enter your space and for you to feel his masculinity in a way that leaves you wondering what is going on! And again, your actions at that point will be determined by your maturity.
And it’s not just attraction. We all have needs, and I cover this a lot in my work. If our needs are met in our intimate relationship, we are far less likely to feel swayed towards any form of affair. If our needs are not met, there is a gaping hole and someone might just fill it, not on purpose, and as they do you will be left confused as to why you are feeling this way towards someone else…
Which would lead me nicely to point four. I’d suggest to my younger version of me, that I figure out exactly and specifically what it is that my wife wants and needs from the relationship and then commit myself to giving that to her, no mater how important or unimportant it seems to me. Oh. Ouch. Game changer. Truth.
Almost done now.. and the next point is I would want them to learn about communication and understand how different people communicate differently. Understand that when your partners says x, they might mean x but they might also mean y.. and it’s your job to know that! What do you mean I would scream at myself… how unfair is that… hmm.. never said it was fair, just a reality of being married to someone who is different from you! Now, stop moaning and start learning!
Bringing me to my final point, that if more people understood the divorce and separation rate would lower dramatically overnight. LOVE IS NOT A FEELING. Shut up. Say what. So when you say I no longer feel like I love them anymore.. isn’t that my cue to leave? Nope.
It’s your cue to understand that the feeling of love is just one part, and tends to be something that happens a lot early days and a lot less after that. Love is a verb, an action. We choose to love. And we must choose to love our partner every day, no matter how much we feel like it… if that is, we want a good relationship. Oh you have a choice for sure, you can choose to run your relationship on feelings and emotions and all I will say is good luck buddy…
Now of course the younger version of me has just had a lot to take on board, and isn’t sure what to do next. It’s all well and good being told all of this, but if I had rocked up and told him how to drive a car when he was 17, and not showed him, coaching him, been there while he started to practise and pointed out what he was doing well and what needed adjustment, he may have struggled, maybe even crashed! And so my parting comment to him would be ‘Get yourself a good relationship coach and have them help you on the journey, it will be the best investment you could ever make’.
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