Relationships… not taught at school, so where did we learn to do them.. and where do we get advice from if things aren’t going well.
If we are proud, then maybe no-one. I have a number of clients who are embarrassed (they shouldn’t be) that they have got to a certain age and still can’t resolve some basic challenges in their relationship. They certainly don’t want to admit that to others, so they suffer in silence.
Maybe they go on groups in Facebook, and post their question, and of course, there are a lot of people in these groups who will happily give their opinion, especially when it appears to have been asked for! The problem is, who are these people who are giving you their advice? Are they in a good relationship, a bad one, or not one at all. Have they been hurt by a previous relationship and are still struggling? You don’t know… so why when they post an opinion would you take any notice whatsoever?
Where else might we get advice, if we are willing to even ask for it?
Our friends – always a great source of advice… always willing to give it (especially men, the fixers of the human race!). Again though, do we actually know how good their advice is? Sure, they’ve got our best interests at heart, but is that aligned to the truth? Maybe we need to hear something that many friends might not have the courage to say to us.
Our parents / care givers. Maybe directly, maybe indirectly. As you grew up, whoever was raising you was modelling how to do relationships. Maybe Mum and Dad, doing them well or not doing them well, maybe just one parent – perhaps modelling the ‘I am ok on my own’, or perhaps modelling ‘I wish I could find someone to make me happy’.. the possibilities go on, but what is universal is that when we are young we make some key decisions and form our key beliefs about many things, and relationships are no different. If we saw healthy relationships, we decide that’s what we want. If we grew up around conflict, we might decide we will do anything to avoid that and NEVER argue in front of the children, and perhaps just avoid an argument at whatever cost, OR, we believe that conflict is healthy and have no problem having a fierce argument with our partner, not associating it as a problem in the relationship. And on it goes…
Books, films and Social Media. We are bombarded with messages, whether it is through reading books, watching films and television or looking at social medial. Let’s consider those sources of ‘advice’ and what we might get from them.
Imagine reading a fictional book about a marriage that was hard work, had it’s ups and downs and they lived generally happy for 40 years plus of marriage, raising children along the way. Hmmm… probably not a best seller! No think of a best seller from a few years ago that had millions of women to read about a certain shade of grey! I don’t think that was portraying quite the same story! Romantic novels, adventure stories, they all appeal to our inner wants, our dreams and fantasies but they don’t present the reality of relationships!
Films and television not much different really are they. Again, we get gripped by the series involving the drama of an affair, the passion of an amazing love story, the rom com of a happily ever after and so on, and do we stop to consider the complete lack of reality in these? Or do we sit there wishing our own relationship was just 25% of what we are watching?!
Finally, social medial – who is going to post stories about their latest disagreement with the partner?! Or post how they are thinking they are with the wrong person, or that they are considering an affair because they are just no happy… no one! The truth is we never get to see behind the curtain of real lives, and if we did, we’d realise we are all on a much more level playing field, all making the same mistakes, while all pushing out advice to others when our own situation is probably not much better. It’s not just relationships you will get this, but specifically that is what I am focused on.
So, if we can get to the point of accepting that perhaps we need to be a bit more careful about the advice we take and where we get it from, then where should we turn if we want to improve our relationships? There are a few sources, and of course I am going to suggest a Relationship Coach, because I am one! I am not here to therapise you both, get paid to have you sit here telling me how everything makes you feel and simply be empathic to you… I am here to get in the game with you, teach you some key skills that make relationships work, look at how the apply specifically to your situation, and call out truth when I see either of you not putting in the effort to make things work.
To some that sounds a little close to scary. To others it sounds like a breath of fresh air and perhaps exactly what you have been thinking would be helpful. To that group I would encourage you to contact me and arrange a FREE initial conversation, a check-up if you will, for your relationship and we can discuss how I might be able to help you. It’s not a weakness to accept you might be getting it wrong, it’s a weakness to think that if you keep doing the same thing, somethings going to change!
Use this link to book that call in.. .might just be a lot more fun and engaging than you previously thought!
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